Entropy.

I used to think that falling in love,
Meant losing your mind over someone,
And stumbling over your own words.

It’s similar to the exhilaration of falling from great heights,
The anticipation for the drop,
When you heart falls into the pit of your stomach.

I used to think that falling in love meant losing control,
Over the way your body reacts,
Against your own mind and soul.

Lately I’m starting to realize that falling in love
Makes your world a little more ordered.
The little things that used to be out of place
Suddenly align themselves.

The frayed edges are burnt off,
The sharp edges are smoothed out,
The uneven edges are sanded down,
And the only edge left
Is the edge that you have over me.

Nature tends towards maximum disorder.
I guess falling in love with you is just
Supernatural.

All or nothing.

I wish I knew how to love in smaller doses.

Predispositions.

I know I shouldn't be comparing,
but the last time I gave my heart to a boy,
He had me fooled for 3 years.

I can't help but be cautious when loving you,
because I don't know how long
it will take me to figure it out this time around.

Parallel.

Sometimes my thoughts still wander to you.
I still catch glimpses of us in my everyday life,
Like the path we walked that winter night,
After I gave everything to you for the very first time.

I want to thank you for holding my heart so delicately,
For letting me grow with so much patience.
For standing with me through every single storm,
And staying with me to admire the rainbow after the chaos settled.

It's such a shame that we couldn't withstand
The complexities of growing up.
That's the thing about falling in love when you're young,
You either grow up together, or grow apart.
It's such a shame that it had to be the latter.

I believe that you and I exist in another parallel universe,
Where we were able to overcome our inner demons,
And will love indefinitely, inseparably.

But in this universe,
I hope you can find someone who will love you the same way I did,
but even more fiercely.
I hope she can make you feel everything I made you feel,
but even more intensely.

Most importantly,
Regardless of what universe you reside in:
You deserve all the happiness in the world,
and I hope you can achieve anything you put your mind to.

Modern art.

12 AM is for drowsy thoughts of you.
When I recollect the memories you left me with that day.
Trying to relish in the way you tasted – crimson red,
The way my heart squeezed as you told me you loved me – melancholy blue,
The way my breath caught when you kissed me on the nape of my neck – an indescribable hue of green.

1AM is for the hopeful thoughts of you.
When I try to paint out our future with the colours we chose together,
The crimson red of lust,
The melancholic blue of serenity,
The royal purple of success,
And an indescribable hue of green
Somewhere between an aquamarine and teal,
Where all of our favourite things exist.

2AM is for the doubtful thoughts of you.
When I begin running out of paint,
and the colour palette just won't mix out the way I need it to.

3AM is for hopeless thoughts of you.
When the flaws of us become vividly illuminated by the moonlight,
and I begin to realize that I was never much of an artist anyways.

4AM is for exhaustive thoughts of you.
When the transparency that you value so much
becomes transparent to me as well,
and I finally realize that the paint I have been working with has dried out.

5 AM is for numbness.
When I remove the canvas from the easel to hang on the wall,
Realizing only then,
That the canvas is entirely blank.

Granite.

My finger traced along the veins
Of the granite table
That separates us.

I wonder if I trace far enough across the table,
Will the faded lines
Bring me closer to you?

Unbeknownst to you as you sit across from me,
My mind is running marathons
From the thoughts of you
To the thoughts of me
With thoughts of us in between.

And as I traced the faded lines,
That led me away from you,
You reached across the table
And intertwined your fingers with mine.

Glass.

I held my heart in a glass bowl
Similar to the ones that people use
To restrict the lives of goldfish
Or to let an entire ecosystem strive independently.

I built an ecosystem
With my roots embedded in compassion
The veins running deep into the soil
I nurtured each plant with the utmost care
And fought to find balance between
Cycles
And
Cycles
So that each plant could flourish to its utmost potential.

But as I stepped back to admire the vastness of my ecosystem
I realized that the life I had cultivated
Was no different from the goldfish in the bowl.
The seeds would not spread beyond the fragile glass walls
But fuck
How I wish they would shatter.

Past, Present, Future.

I miss you in all the tenses.
I love you in the same.

Fall.

The moment I fell in love with you
Cannot be deduced into one time point alone.

It was somewhere between the day I caught you staring at me
Like I was something more
While I was reeling in and out of fatigue
As I had stayed up all night from caffeine
And odd thoughts of you the night before.

It was during the 1 AM conversation we had,
When I confessed to you of all my baggage
And how you fearlessly took it upon yourself
To take the weight off my shoulders
When you didn’t even know what was weighing me down.

It happened again on our first date,
How the tension of a first kiss lingered between us
From the moment I walked in through the doors of your house
That held the most magnificent view of the city.

I remember being breathless that day
When I stood in your kitchen an marvelled at how beautiful the universe is,
When you wrapped your arms around my waist,
When I had the pleasure of witnessing you make music,
When you leaned into kiss me all three times,
And when your lips finally met mine on the last.

I fell a little more that summer day you brought me to the peak of the city
And we walked hand in hand down the winding path,
Getting lost as we laid side by side on a patch of grass
As if we were the protagonists of a love story.

I fell less elegantly for you,
The first time I let envy seep into my veins.
I let the tinge of jealously taint my words,
Until I became silent in fear of hurting you.

It happened again that evening
We laid in bed together with our arms and legs intertwined,
As I watched you fall asleep slowly first,
And then all at once.

It happens again, and again,
Even more easily than before.
I fall when I see you laughing with my mother in the kitchen,
When you hold my hand in the car,
When you share your favourite stories with me,
When you brush your fingers delicately over my cheek.

And it will happen more and more.
I’ll fall deeper and deeper in love with you
Every time I catch you staring at me,
Every time you lean in to kiss me,
Every time you say my name.

All that I can ask is,
Please catch me when I fall.
Don’t let me crash.

Boy-ancy.

The issue about having something as perfect as you is that sometimes I think it's too good to be true.

I try to build walls around my heart in anticipation of the havoc that will inevitably ensue. With every compliment you give me, I deflect it with apathy. With every promise you make, I disregard it with scepticism.

I force myself to swim back to shore every time I find myself delving deeper and deeper into you. Sometimes I fall aimlessly into you, as I let the water shroud around me like a security blanket. I let myself drown in the comfort of you, sometimes closing my eyes as I sink further and further. There's a weird sense of sensuality when you sink. You let something weigh down on you weightlessly as you are carried into the depths of the unknown. You find yourself exploring areas you've never even seen before with an odd sense of familiarity and belonging. Yet amidst the wonder and mesmerization, you will notice that your lungs have become filled with water. You've been drowning in oblivion, and you were too distracted to save yourself. As you frantically flail upwards, you can no longer see the surface because you've swam too deep. You will lose yourself in this process, and what seemed to be so serene was only a facade for wreckage.

And eventually you will become lost. You will let the water encompass all of you. Until you're washed up onto the shore, broken and torn into a million little pieces.

You'll collect yourself and the shattered pieces of your heart - some lost in the grains of sand. And as you grasp onto the shards that are left, you will just shrug and brush it off as an unfortunate mistake that never really broke you the way he broke your heart.

And as you walk back home, you'll look back at the ocean

and promise to yourself that you will never go swimming ever again. 

Loving him - Pt. 1.

His lips pressed against mine
as our tongues embraced in a tantalizing dance.

His hands caressing every curve of my body
as his fingers sprawled against my skin.

I pressed my body closer towards his,
trying to conform the nooks and the creases
against his rigidity.

I laced my fingers through his hair,
intertwined my legs around his waist.

Erratic, passionate, breathless,
I let myself become filled with him.

He filled the void that was once left behind,
He slid into the cracks of my broken heart,
He mended them with every kiss,
Until he and I together became complete.

 

 

 

Note to Self:

Have faith and trust in those who love you.

Should they take your love for granted, forgive them and let them go.

Resolve.

As she let the thoughts of him break her from the inside,
She glanced beside her and found her resolve

His subtle smile and steady stare,
Making all of her thoughts subside

“I love you”, he breathed
And she forgot about all of his lies.